May. 21, 2020

The purpose of all I write, is to support, and inform people.

The purpose of Domestic Violence? This question is always running in the background of my brain. 

The purpose of something becomes what WE make it. Something intended for evil, to break someone down; with time, healing, and determination - can possibly lift them to unbelievable heights. 

Our response determines the outcome. Now, I'm not so naive to believe that bad things can't happen - but every choice that is made CAN make a difference. 

Each situation is different, and all factors must be taken into consideration, when decisions are made. 

The bigger picture should be considered - if NO changes are made, NOTHING will change. The perpetrator sure doesn't want things to change - they've got absolute control (or so they feel).

Remember Domestic Violence, or ANY of your abuse, is NOT your fault - but what is your PURPOSE in it? If you're unable to grow IN it, how can you grow FROM it??!

Have a good day, and be safe...


May. 16, 2020

(Image from Facebook)

Imagine being locked up with an elephant. 

I don't know how much you know about them, but they CAN be some of the most gentle animals on the planet. Ever watched those Momma/Baby elephant videos on YouTube? "Awwwww..."

Now, think about the videos of elephants that have gone rogue. Not so much, "Awwwww...", huh??!

That is how, in a Domestic Violence situation, a Victim feels they are living - with a Narcissistic elephant.

Never knowing if they're going to be kind, or a bit rogue - walking on eggshells, all the time, because they never know when they're going to go off. 

It's even harder, during this pandemic, when many victims are on lockdown with their abusers - stress of things like job loss, etc, only exacerbates their feelings of inadequacy, self-pity, etc.

Narcissists, who have never worked on any of their issues, because they don't think they have any because everythin has been done "to" them. 

They don't understand, or care, that their version of "paying it forward", is only perpetuating their situation. 

They don't see that they're only recycling what has been done "to" them. 

Have a good day, and be safe... #EtSoV #ENDtheSILENCEofVIOLENCE 






Apr. 27, 2020

From Daryl: Client sent me a quote. "No one gets more upset than a narcissist being accused of something they definitely did!" True!!!

 How can you overcome a Narcissist's taunts? It isn't easy. You have to reach deep inside of you, and take ahold of the power - though deep inside, it's there - and utilize it to help battle against them. 

 The biggest, and I think most effective defense, is your silence. Believe me, when I feel myself, or someone I care about (like your children, for example) under attack - keeping my mouth shut is NOT an easy task.

 In cases where silence is not an option - your best defense is only speaking words of truth. If you only have a few words to speak - speak them!!! Over and over. 

 Examples could be - "You hit me." "You lied to me, and my family." "You went to my job so many times, they fired me, so they didn't have to deal with YOU." You have plenty to share, I am sure.

 WHATEVER your truth is, speak it. Using Wheel of Fortune, as an example - numerous people have lost their games, because they put in extra words. Use as few words, as necessary, to express your truth. Try to avoid giving them more to attack you with. 

 Have a good day, and be safe... #ENDtheSILENCEofVIOLENCE #EtSoV 

Apr. 20, 2020

"A Victim takes things personally." (DKH) They often get "stuck" listening, over and over, to the tapes in their head; being told how inadequate they are, or how they can do nothing right.

 If that's all you've heard for years, that's all you can really see. 

 Somewhere, deep down, inside of EVERYONE, is a glimmer of hope. But if it's so beaten down, for so long; it IS hidden - in that "safe place", where the walls of protection are so thick, it seems NOTHING will get to it. 

 That is how you "move" from Victim to Survivor - you, over time, work to tear down those walls of protection. It takes time - if anybody tells you it doesn't, well...

 But, the work you put into yourself IS worth it - even more so, than the work you would put into your children. That basically comes down to the question, "What legacy do you want to leave for them? Victim, or Survivor?" 

 Even if you do not have children - YOU. ARE. WORTH. THE. EFFORT. TO. MAKE. THE. CHANGE. from Victim, to Survivor. 

 Have a good day, and be safe... #EtSoV #ENDtheSILENCEofVIOLENCE 


Apr. 14, 2020

If you heard someone say they were being held hostage - how would you react? Would you casually tell them, "Maybe you should just leave your situation."

No, most people would be appalled that somebody would hold a person hostage!!! Our First Responders even have a whole division of "Hostage Negotiators".

So why do some ask people in Domestic Violence situations, "Why don't you just leave?" They are being held hostage by tethers usually invisible to the naked eye - manipulation, gaslighting, threats, fear - so many issues hold them there.

Many are Victims of generations of these same relationship behaviors, and aren't even aware of it!!!

I was in my late 40s, before I realized I had grown up in a Domestic Violence situation. I knew things didn't seem right; but, "What happens at home, stays at home." But this was also why, I would do almost anything to be away from my home, as much as possible.

Please keep in mind, that "just leaving", is not the easiest thing to do. In many situations, the only escape is death - usually at the hand of their partner. "If I can't have you, nobody can!!!"

Leaving is possible - though scary. Talk to someone at a Domestic Violence Shelter, make an escape plan. I knew someone that put some of their kids' toys into laundry baskets under their clothes. Made plans with a friend, while her hubby went fishing, waaaay outside of town, and pick him up, later.  (Or not.) In the meantime, another person, an "Aunt", wanted to spend time with the kids. Took them to Mom, in a safe place an hour away.

Be creative. Use the resources that are available.

Have a good day, and be safe... #ENDtheSILENCEofVIOLENCE #EtSoV